Keeping Faith
by missmister128
Summary: [Starts after 5x07] The relationship between Gail and Holly might be over. Show how each character deal with it (and eventually, try to fix it). This is my first story and I'm French, so I apologize in advance for all the mistakes. Feel free to comment, every feedback (even negatives ones) are appreciated !
1. I'm seeing someone

**A/N: Thanks to IndiHth for correcting my mystakes. **

* * *

Holly was in her car, unable to leave the parking lot. She sighed, her hands glued to the steering wheel. Walking away from Gail has been exhausting. It took all her willpower to not look behind her and wrap Gail into a comforting embrace. She tried not to cry but now, in the safety of her car, she couldn't take it anymore. The way Gail had looked, the things she'd said; all the words unspoken in her eyes. It was too much. The cop seemed so... desperate. Her blue eyes were drab and Holly could see the muffled pain in them.

Enough Holls; she told herself, then wiped her tears and took a deep breath.

This is why you chose to be with Nora instead of Gail. This is the reason why you called her even when your previous date in the Penny hadn't been so great, even if you haven't spoken to her in nearly two months; because things are not complicated with her, because she is not complicated.

Holly knew that using Nora as a rebound wasn't very nice. Plus, it wasn't in Holly's nature. She had always hated how people fooled one another in order to feel better. It was selfish and cruel. But she needed someone between Gail and her. She needed a barrier; otherwise it would be too easy to fall for the blonde, again. And Holly couldn't let that happen.

So, she had made up her mind and stopped calling Gail three weeks ago. She avoided contact and even forbade herself to think about her, about her smile, about the taste of her lips...

C'mon... whispered Holly.

It wasn't the time to flinch. She had to keep going. She had to be with Nora and forget Gail. She had to be rational. Holly had always been confident and together in her choices. She couldn't go back to Gail, no matter what she said. Gail wasn't mature enough; she had to learn how to live with others, how to talk and share feelings instead of running away. She had to grow as an adult before consider growing in a relationship. Holly wasn't strong enough to stand by Gail during the process.

That was because of Lilah, another straight girl who had turned Holly's world upside down. It was the same scenario; she was a beautiful new intern during Holly's residency, witty and full of surprises. She had red hair and brown eyes. Those kinds of eyes which made your legs shake and your heart skip a beat. Holly fell for her within a few months. She didn't want to but the attraction was too strong.

So one day, Holly couldn't take it. She kissed her. And Lilah kissed her back.

At first, everything was great. They were in a sort of honeymoon: happiness and a lot of sex. Holly was in a bubble of joy and recklessness. She helped Lilah to figure out her feelings and to break the news to her friends. She gave her time and space when she needed. She even took her in her first gay pride. Everything was great, Lilah was finally coming undone. But, the week before telling her parents about her having a girlfriend, she freaked out. She denied Holly, told her that she hadn't had any felling for her. That she was just caught in the moment and never realized that she was making a great mistake. So she blamed Holly. She accused her of changing her into someone she couldn't even recognize.

Holly was destroyed. So she promised herself that she would only date women who were sure of their feelings. That's why she couldn't be with Gail; even if it's slowly killing her. She didn't want to take the risk of being devastated again.

Yet, even all her rational motivations couldn't erase Gail's words. Holly's breath caught in her throat when she heard them again, "I don't want end up a sad sorry woman who threw away the most wonderful person she has ever met.

Holly closed her eyes. She remembered the look in Gail's eyes; the pain, barely hidden, the desire to tell her something more, something to make her stay. She could see that Gail was making efforts. But Holly didn't want to be patient anymore. If Gail wanted her back, she had to fight for her. She had to open up to more people, not only her. She had to accept her feelings and stop hiding her behind this wall of sarcasm. She had to stop running and leaving every time she was scared.

Holly didn't want to turn Gail into another person just to make their relationship work. She just hoped that Gail could be someone more at ease with her feelings, more confident and loquacious. And to do so, Gail needed tim/spane and space.

Footsteps interrupted the course of Holly's thoughts. She was still in 15 Division's parking lot; and she didn't want run into a familiar face. Not in this state, with her eyes reddened by tears. Worst, she didn't want Gail to see her like that. She couldn't let her see how vulnerable she made her. Not after today. So she turned on the ignition and left.


	2. Brother & Sister

**A/N: Thanks again to IndiHth for being my beta! I'm currently working on the last chapter but school is keeping me busy... Thanks to anyone who take the time to read or review. **

* * *

It had been two weeks since her last encounter with Holly. That is to say about 336 hours (minus a little sleeping time) thinking about the beautiful forensic pathologist and how to fix this situation. Because Gail knew, deep down, that they were not done. Not until she had tried everything. Not until Holly had told her that she didn't feel anything for her anymore. In the meantime, Gail will do everything in her power to gain Holly's forgiveness.

But, the more Gail tried to find a solution, the more helpless her case appeared. She was the one who screwed up. Again.

So, she has to be the one who will mend it. But how?

Her thoughts were interrupted by a ringtone. It was Steve, telling her not to be late this time.

"Of course" she mumbled. She was always late for their dinner at Pablo's. It was their ritual, once a month they catch up in this tiny Italian cafe. Away from the station, they were finally able to talk and share feelings. These evenings were probably the heart of their relation as siblings.

She saw Steve wave at her through the window. He was sitting at their usual place, his beer already half empty. He welcomed her with a grin, "Hey little sis', thought you'd never show up".

* * *

They were eating dessert when Gail finally decided to speak about what had been bothering her. She hadn't really paid attention to Steve's story, something about Tracy and illegal gambling. But she knew that her brother didn't ever ask her for advice. He knew that communicate with other people in an understandable way had never been his sister's strong point. He just needed to share this with someone he trusts.

But right now, Gail was struggling with her own emotions and she needed advice. So she cut Steve in the middle of his sentence.

"Is it a Peck thing?" she asked very seriously, her eyebrows furrowed. Her brother seemed a little lost so Gail waited a minute before going on. "You know; the awkwardness with other people. Does it come from our upbringing?"

Steve laughed "Speak for yourself sis'! You're the only one with that problem. I'm awesome in society." But the concerned look on his sister's face told him that it wasn't the right time to boast. So he smiled softly, pleased by this unforeseeable request.

"This is about Holly, right?" Gail nodded imperceptibly, without looking at him. Steve knew that he had to reassure her, be the big brother full of wise advice.

He took a deep breath and tried to meet his sister's eyes.

"I don't think so. I mean, I'm not feeling that way. Of course it was hard growing up in a police environment; we were expecting to be adults very quickly. But just because mom's motto was "Do or die" doesn't make us emotionally disabled."

Gail looked at him and he knew she wasn't convinced by his poor explanation so he went on. He bit his bottom lip, not quite sure of his sister's reaction.

"I think that maybe, it's coming from you." Gail raised an eyebrow, puzzled. Steve followed.

"As a kid, you were very sensitive. We couldn't see someone homeless without you asking thousands of questions: "Why nobody is helping him? Did he do anything wrong? Why the police don't take care of him?" In the end, you blamed mom and dad and ended up not speaking to anyone for a few days, until mom forced you."

He sighed loudly, as if he remembered something painful. "She wasn't very understanding with you. She kept telling you that you have to be strong. That a Peck doesn't feel sorry for a stranger; let alone a drunken and pathetic one. She always said that she could never be proud of you if you became a police officer who felt sorry for criminals.

So one day, without a warning, you lock yourself up. You became an entirely different person from the outside. I knew that this... armour was only a mask. Something you had to put up in order to stay away from all the pain and the injustice. I always knew that this cold Gail wasn't really you. But everyone seemed so pleased by that. Mom used to say that you were finally "growing up". So you embraced this new version of yourself and slowly, forgot you were even wearing the mask."

A few minutes passed. Steve waited for a Gail explosion, full of sarcasm and bitter comments. But his sister didn't seem angry, just... distressed. He didn't speak, letting her come to terms with her feelings. When she finally spoke, her voice was hoarse, as if each word hurt her.

"Well, clearly it's a little too efficient." Steve, happy to be still in one piece, didn't interrupt her.

"These walls I've build, I thought they were protecting me. Truth is, they were slowly destroying every inch of kindness and humanity in me. They were isolating me from the rest of the world. And..." Her voice was totally broken now. "They made me scared of my own feelings. They made me think that I was better off my own. And it was totally fine with me. I was getting used to never really connect with someone, never understanding others. Happiness seemed out of my league. Until, until she walked into my crime scene." Her last sentence was a whisper. Steve has absolutely no idea of what he should say or do to comfort her. She looked so fragile.

So he just grabbed her hand and squeezed it, trying to let her know that everything was alright; that she deserved happiness too. That she could reconquer Holly, that it was never too late. But he had no idea how to put it into words that Gail would trust. So he just stood beside her, showing her his support.

He didn't know how long they stayed like that. But it was Gail who broke the peaceful silence:

"I'm a caterpillar". Even coming from his little sister, that was unexpected.

"Sorry?" asked Steve; completely lost. "How did we end up here?"

Gail shook her head, trying to regain some presence. "I'm like a caterpillar." she said again, patiently.

"You know, I've always been quite happy with who I was. I could feel that the others were different, like, lighter. But I didn't care. Until I met Holly and she made me realized that I was like a caterpillar, that I haven't evolved. I stayed on the ground crawling, watching everyone flying, happy with themselves and she helped me to grow. To get rid of this old skin that wasn't mine anymore. She started my metamorphosis; she put me into a warm cocoon. She made me realized that it was time to change, that I couldn't stay the way I was without slowly killing myself. And I wasn't afraid. I wanted to fly, to feel a little more like everybody else. It was refreshing you know? To have someone who could see the butterfly I could be instead of this repulsive and unfinished caterpillar I persisted to be.

But now... I'm trapped in this cocoon. I'm exposed. The old me cracked. But without her, I'm just a bundle of broken pieces; I can't turn into a butterfly. I don't know how to do that without her reassuring me, without her seeing the better in me... It's just too hard, I can't go on. But I have to, because it hurts more to be in that cocoon, not to be a caterpillar. And I can't go back to that state. It would be like betraying her."

She paused a few seconds before finished: "I'm trapped Steve. And the only person who could help me is also the only person who would never speak to me until I'd be a butterfly." She bit her bottom lip, a little embarrassed to have confided in her big brother.

Steve didn't know how to respond. Her sister was very secretive but when she opened up, it was like a torrent of emotions. He looked at her; she seemed a million miles away. He knew he had to play it nice.

"Butterfly, huh?" he said with a grin. Gail rolled her eyes, but a small smile appeared on her lips. "No judging little sis'! Just saying not to use metaphor in order to explain your feelings, this is a little... confusing". Gail mumbled something and Steve knew she was returning away from him, somewhere in her thoughts.

So he tried something else: "I can help you, you know, with Holly. If she is the only person you need to become this... Butterfly." He had managed to make this sound serious. His sister looked at him, doubtful. "My lovely brother, I appreciate your concern. I really do, but judging by your incredible talent in relationship, I have to say no to this brilliant offer". Here she is, thought Steve. His sister always became aggressive when you got too close to her. After all this years together, Steve knew how to respond.

"I don't know why you're saying that. I screwed up with Tracy because I wanted to protect her. I wanted what was best for her. You, on the other hand, lost Holly because you cared only about you. You were too scared of the possible damages that you ran away. It was self-preservation. It was never about Holly's sake". Steve didn't want to be mean. He just wanted Gail to stop pushing people away. He didn't give her time to respond, an idea popped in his mind and he needed to expose it.

"You want a chance to apologize? Take it, but in a slow and smooth way. You can't force Holly's personal space. So..." He smiled, "You'll need my awesome detective talent and my incredible intelligence".

"I can't decide between hitting you or just leaving you here, alone with your wild ideas".

Steve shrugged, not impressed. "C'mon, have a little faith in me sis'. Plus, what do you have to lose?" Steve took Gail's silence for a positive answer. He threw a fist in the air. "Awesome!" He coughed and tried to look serious. "First and foremost, we need a badass name for this operation. Something tough but romantic..."

"Getting down the tree" Gail said quietly. Steve froze, his face puzzled. "Hm, I don't think you quite comprehend the principle. It has to be short and meaningful. Not the first thing that-"

"Oh, shut up Steve, I'm not changing the name." His sister's determined face dissuaded him from protesting. He sighed; he knew that it was hard to have the last word with Gail. So he just stood up and walked towards the exit. "Fine, keep your weird name. But the bill is on you!"


	3. Step 1: Taking responsibilities

Gail knocked on the door, a little apprehensive. She still didn't know how Steve talked her into this. She remembered their discussion yesterday on the way back of the café.

_"I'm just sayin' that you have to show to Holly that you're making efforts to connect to people. That you're not a runaway anymore and can assume responsibilities. You know, basically being a grown-up" said Steve with a grin._

_Gail hit his shoulder but stayed quiet. She knows he's right but she doesn't want make Holly uncomfortable, she was pretty clear last time: she doesn't want heard Gail's explanations. So she has to find a non-intrusive-but-efficient way to prove her that she deserves her. And she has to do that quickly, otherwise this "someone" Holly met could become more like a "someone someone". She couldn't let that happen._

So there she is, standing in front of Oliver's office, implemented the first phase of the operation "Getting down the tree". She couldn't believe that this is the only issue they found so far. Very _smooth and slow_ sighed Gail. She sat and asked nervously, without any previous introduction: "Oliver, I'd like to become Duncan Moore's T.O".

* * *

Oliver's approval came in the evening._ Perks of being a Peck_, she thought. She knew that Oliver's superiors and Moore's stepfather would be glad finding another T.O for this walking disaster. But the Superintendent's daughter? They must be over the moon. Her mother's strictness associated to her sharpness made Gail perfect for this role. Far ahead the soft and sympathetic McNally. It doesn't even delight Gail to be prefered to her. There was too much at stake. She _couldn't_ fail. Mostly for the sake of her relationship with Holly but also for 15's one.

She sighed and shook her head. Tomorrow will be a long day.

"... Serve, protect & don't screw up". Oliver's voice brings her back to reality. It was already the end of parade and she could see Duncan waiting for her at the door. Gail could feel fear, regrets and eagerness emanating from him. The hearing have clearly done something to him. He appeared more disciplined but also more unpredictable. _This is gonna be tough_ she sighed.

She waved at him then pointed the parking. She knew what she has to do, considered who has been her TO. Once they reached the car squad Gail waited a few minutes. She wanted to let some time to Duncan in order to calm his nerves. Finally, she started the talk she repeated last night, unable to sleep without knowing exactly what she would say to this kid. She had tried various approaches from a deterrent to a maternal one until she found something which would impress him without belittling him too much.

"I'm officer Peck ad I'll be your training officer until further notice. I don't care of your last name or what you have done so far. We clean the slate and start anew. So, you don't touch anything in the car until I tell you to. You don't note anything down on your memo book until I tell you to. You don't talk to other people, you look at me first. You do as I say, not as I do. You probably think right now that I'm an hard-ass but we're not here to be friends or making small talk. My job is to keep you safe and I'll do it. I'll always have your back. Because when you put that uniform on, you're much more than just yourself. You're a part of a bigger family. So I'm not letting you down. But I expect the same behaviour from you. Because we're the one with the guns and the vest and we have to be strong for the others down there who haven't that much for protect themselves." She glanced at Duncan to make sure he have paid attention. He looked at her, attentive. She followed:

"I know how this works. You get out the academy and thought everything will be easy and hectic. That everyday will bring a major bust without anyone wounded. But this is not like that. There will be some uneventful days and others full of angst where you'll see people you like get shot. And you couldn't do anything to fix that. You just have to accept to put your life in danger at every second. But it will be alright, because we'll have each other back." She paused, her voice becoming more serious. "Being a rookie is not about be bold and hold your gun all day. It's about trusting your co-workers and face fear. It's about stay still and learn without doing something irreparable".

He have looked her right in the eyes during her whole speech but she wasn't sure if he had process everything. She waited a few more seconds before saying: "You are allowed to talk without my permission if we're not in a crime scene you know?" He nodded without leaving his determined look._ Awesome, instead of taking care of an incompetent I've to deal with a dumb_, she thought. But she decided to give him a shot. "Let's patrol then!"

Their first call came an hour later. It was a complaint about noise in the nice part of the town, some dumbass has decided to throw a party in the middle of the day while his parents weren't at home. They handled the situation quite quickly and Duncan was very professional with the kids: he talked to them nicely but firmly and didn't out his gun. The rest of the day was quiet, their simple presence seemed to dissuade all the potential thugs. She tried to engage conversation with his rookie but it appeared that the only solution he found to be quite efficient was to speak the minimal. Gail didn't mind but tried nonetheless to make him feel better by saying idle-things-but work-related from time to time.

When they were back to the station at the end of the day, she kept him a little more longer in the car. "You did a good job today Moore. Keep going". He didn't react but Gail knows it was important to point out his progress. When she filled up his evaluation later, she understood why Steve insisted that training Duncan was the first step of reconquering Holly. This assignment seemed good for the kid but also for her. She has to take care of someone, determine what was best for him and opened up a little to make this paring work. In short, she has to be the adult, the one who trust and give the other a shot. _Well, maybe this idea wasn't that bad_, thought Gail for herself.


	4. Step 2: Apologies

Gail started her second week as Moore's TO and he didn't kill anyone yet. But his training wasn't a success for all that. The kid was always terrified; he doesn't take any initiative and constantly looks for her approval. At first it reassured Gail but now it started to freak her out. By dint, he would explode. No one can maintain such a control on everything. So she tried to make him more confident, she gave him small tips and encouragement. But nothing worked. Then she changed her approach: she gave him some slack, let him drive the squad car etc. But nothing changed, he kept his uncommunicative attitude. And everyday, Gail saw him more like a time bomb.

Brief, the situation wasn't great. But now, it sucked. She has to go to the morgue to rush some analysis. Because everyone seemed to believe that having been the pathologist's girlfriend granted her some privileges. In fact it just brought her a deep felling of apprehension and a constant pain. She haven't seen Holly since the thumb thing and it hasn't went well. And now she has to go back with Moore. _Just when it couldn't get worse _thought Gail before calling Moore: "Rookie! Let's see some dead people".

* * *

"Well he was beaten pretty hard. He has three broken ribs, a head trauma and a lot of internal damages, mainly on the liver. The internal bleeding is the cause of the death. Considering the extent and depth of injuries, I'll go for a bat. The aggressor was probably inexperienced, the blows were struck randomly and he gave at least ten more shots than necessary."

Gail had trouble to focus on the corpse in front of her. She was to busy watching Holly and trying to evaluate everything that changed since their last encounter. The pathologist seemed the same. Same concentrated look, her eyebrows furrowed and her lips pursed. Same small line on her forehead when a new piece of information appeared. Same glow in her eyes when she tried to explain something scientific with simple words. She was so close but Gail couldn't feel her. She couldn't catch her eyes and recognize the Holly she used to know. She was like the pathologist she met in the woods, not so long ago: intriguing, easy-going but miles away.

And Gail couldn't take it. She doesn't want to lose the special connection that have existed between the two of them. Otherwise, everything that ever happened between them would slowly fade away. This was too much to handle and now wasn't the time. She has to understand why someone would beat to death a doctor. She sighed and decided to go for a walk. She has to get out of here and clear her head, this atmosphere was stifling.

"I'm going to take a coffee, does anyone want something?" Holly shook her head, concentrated on her work and her rookie, true to himself, just shrugged his shoulders. Without a word, Gail left the room. The second she left, all the pressure in Moore's shoulders seemed disappear. Holly noticed the change straight away.

"She's tough right?" she said with a small smile, half amused but half regretful. Duncan looked guilty and regained his defensive attitude. "Not at all!" He said so fast that Holly struggled to understand. He followed, a bit quieter:

"I mean, yeah she's a little tough. But in a good way. In fact I try to be a little more like her. You know, focused and firm. It's the only way I found to avoid mistakes." Holly raised an eyebrow, not quite sure of what to tell, but the rookie seemed eager to talk, as if he had retained too long talking. "I've almost got fired you know? Everyone thought that I was a walking disaster. And they were right... I'm not good at that. All my moves and insights are wrong. I'm much a danger than a lot of guys we arrest. And I have a gun..." He shook his head and looked the pathologist right in the eyes.

"But the more I copy her, the less I make mistakes. Even if she doesn't know that, she helps me a lot. It's not only because she's good at this job. It's more... Diffuse. She's the only one who wanted me as a rookie after my suspension. And she takes care of me, even if no one seems to realize that. She gave me some tips or just some minutes to recompose myself before walking in a crime scene and sometimes, at the end of the day she just gave me a piercing gaze and I know it's her way to say she's kind of satisfied of my job". He smiled widely now. "And even if she keeps calling me Rookie, I know she really cares about me. It's in her eyes or in small details. All you have to do is recognize them. She makes me feel a part of something bigger than me and sometimes she makes me do things that I've never believed myself capable. She pushes me but I know it's for the best." He stopped abruptly, realizing that he have spoken way too much on the Gail scale.

"I mean, yeah, she's a little hard but it's exactly what I needed. I couldn't dream of a better TO" said the rookie before becoming impassible again.

* * *

The coffee helped her to clear her mind. She decided to take advantage of this unexpected assignment to apologize to Holly. At first, she just wanted to explain herself, something like _"I freaked out and rejected you but the asshole friend of yours had destroyed the short amount of confidence that I have in myself"_. Then, she talked to Steve and her speech turn into something with less inflicting guilt as _"When she said that I realized all the power you have on me. I became aware that you could broke my heart in ten seconds if you wanted to. So I ran to regain some semblance of control"_. Finally, she became Moore's TO and she knew she has to apologize. Not necessarily because she was more in fault than Holly. But because she has to take a step towards her and show her that she wanted this relationship. So she will walk back in that room and apologize in a way more comprehensible that _"I'm a brat"_. Because sometimes you have to persevere and give a sign to the other, something which says: _"I'm still here and I'm not moving until I'd get you. And to do so, I'd do anything"_. She sighed to the magnitude of the task ahead and returned to Holly's lab.

"Rookie!" she called and threw a chocolate bar to him. He was never at ease with blood and death in general. Gail never had this problem but she handled that the way her favorite TO always did: with food.

"Anything new?" Holly took some time before answering, a little confused by the previous exchange. She knew Gail has a soft side, of course, she has experienced it. But the blonde never showed it in public. And even if it could hurt sometimes, Holly loved that characteristic, because

she always felt privileged to beneficiate of this side of Gail. But not anymore. What else could have changed in Gail? Her thoughts were interrupted by a small cough.

"Oh, yes. Our doctor". Holly cleared her throat in an attempt to regain some professionalism. "I found skin residues under his nails, which means there was a fight. I started an analysis and if everything goes right, we should have our suspect name in an hour or so."

"So I guess we're stuck here for lunch? Chinese for everyone?" Gail asked. Holly nodded, not fully at ease to have lunch with these two. Questions rushed in her mind: What if they can't find something to talk about? What if their former relationship appeared in the conversation, in front of Gail's rookie? _God, this will be awkward_ Holly thought. She knows that if they were just Gail and her, they could find some status quo. But with Duncan...

"Mind if I get the food? I could use some fresh air." Duncan asked nervously.

"You want to escape from the antrum of dead people?" Gail asked, accusingly. Duncan began to mumble, ashamed to have let his guard down. "Mhm, that my lovely rookie, means you have to pay the food" Gail said with a machiavelic grin. Relieved, Duncan nodded before heading eagerly towards the exit.

As soon as he left, Gail sat on Holly's desk and took a deep breath. _Step 2 of operation "Getting down the tree" launched_. "Before you say anything, can I talk to you for seconds?". She was nervous, Holly can tell that from the way she clenched her fists and the way her mouth curled into a worried pout.

"Sure" the pathologist said quietly. She knew what was coming. She was curious about it but apprehensive at the same time. At their last encounter, she listened to her reason. She refused to let Gail's words touched her. But now... She was overwhelmed by the blonde's presence and she couldn't ignore the twist in her stomach. So she let her speak, even if she was aware of the feelings it might trigger in her.

Gail looked at her right in the eyes and began slowly but firmly "Okay. I ask you to not interrupt me, otherwise I couldn't get to the end and... I think we both need to hear was I will say." A few seconds passed and Holly let the silence seals her agreement.

"I want to apologize. I know I usually dodge this kind of things and just bury myself in silence but I'm all about growing these days so..." Gail smiled cautiously at her. "I'm sorry I ran away. It was a selfish self-defense reflex. I tried not to but when you said you was just _'having fun'_, it destroyed me. It activated an alarm deep inside of me and my instincts regained control. So I ran and just put you on pause. But I never thought we were done. _Never_. And if I tell you that now, it's because I still have this feeling. You really mean something for me. And... I don't want to lose you." Gail's voice shook at this words. She cleared her throat and continued.

"I just needed some time you know, figuring some stuff out. Bigger changes always took some time. And now everything is in place. I start to open up a little bit more. God, I even helped a guy to move out" She chuckled a little. "I'm still me but like a better version of me. Anyway, what I'm trying to say it's that you initiated a change in me and that's for the best. But without you by my side..."

Gail stopped talking a few minutes ago but Holly didn't know if she was over. And she wasn't allowed to talk. So she stayed still, Gail's words echoing in her head. Then, Gail stood up and say quietly: "I'm not good at this apologise thing. But I just wanted to say that it's up to you now. I'm not ready to give up on us but I need you to believe that this is possible. I need you to trust me and give a shot to this evolved version of me".

She walked towards the exit and threw a last glance to Holly. "I don't want to be intrusive of rush things. Take all the time you want, I'm not going anywhere". She turned and left a confused Holly behind her.

_What the hell has just happened? _


	5. Step 3: Waiting

She was going to kill Steve. But very, very slowly. It has to be painful, something involving hydrochloric acid or listening to Chloe's voice over and over. _Smooth and slow_, what a ridiculous idea. She should have dragged Holly in an interrogation room, pinned her up against the wall and kissed her. Straight to the point. It would have been riskier but at least she would be fixed. She wouldn't have to live in this state of complete indecision. It crushed her more and more everyday. She has to know Holly's answer. She was impatient and excited like a Christmas morning. But she also feel apprehension and fear, like a first day in a new school, when eight hours will determine all the year ahead.

And she was frustrated. A lot. Because there was nothing more she can do. She had reached her limits. She had no control left.

She tried to reason herself this last few days._ Holly is thoughtful. She needs time and space to think and process. This silence is not a refusal. Hang on, she will get back to you_. But after a day like that, she couldn't turn off her concerns.

They have found the doctor's killer thanks to the skin residues under his nails. His name was Travis. He was a young man, not even thirty. He had lost his wife Elena a week before the killing. Brain cancer. They caught it pretty late but her doctor was optimistic. He had suggested an aggressive approach. He wanted to remove all the tumors in a single surgery because he doesn't think that chemo will be enough in this particular case. The couple, afraid but trusting him have agreed. But it went wrong. Elena did not wake up after the surgery and Travis was forced to unplug her after a week. In seven days, he lost his wife, his dreams and his faith in humanity. After several days of grief and unbearable pain, he conclude that his wife would have live if the doctor didn't chose such an invasive procedure. So he blamed him. It was his way of mourning. His pain became anger. He wanted a payback. He wanted show him how it was, to lose the love of his life. So he waited under the doctor's porch one night. He hoped find his wife or his kids or just someone related to this executioner. But he only found the doctor. And when he saw him, every word he has prepared, every plan he has imagined just vanished. Only the pain remained. It was like each part of his body was pierced by a thousand knives. And the only thing Travis could listen was this voice, deep down which ordered him to kill this murderer. He couldn't reason. There was no place for second thought. The pain has to go away and kill the man responsible to his wife's death will be the solution. He was convinced of that.

But it didn't. When Gail and Duncan came to his house to apprehend him, they found him dead, hang. He left a note to his relatives, explaining that living without his wife was like dying every day and going though that as a murderer was impossible. He also apologised to the doctor's family, he has never wanted to harm innocent people, it was an access of despair and anger.

So they ended up in the Penny. This case has really done something to them and Duncan hadn't said a word since he had thrown up after discovering of Travis' body. Gail tried to help him but she wasn't in a better place either. She was prey to a deep anger mixed with sadness, not only because the case but also because of all the Holly thing. She wouldn't want to lose another second. Who knows what amount of time they would have before life tears them apart?

* * *

Holly was someone thoughtful. Maybe a little too much. Her analysis of the pro and contra could take months. But scars of previous hurts, when her reactions where only guided by her instincts, were always here; as reminders. And especially, her former experiences taught her to always stick to her decision. No matter what. She has to trust herself in moments of doubt because if she had taken that decision before, it's because she knew, deep down, that it was for her best. And now, after several years of following this mantra, Holly had faith in her judgment.

So she will follow her reasoned side. Even if Gail's words have sown confusion in her mind. She had to let it go. There was too much fear, apprehension and unknown. Too much things out of her control. Gail was like dynamite. Unpredictable and intense. She could just blow up your mind and unlock some wonderful new experiences. But she also could destroy Holly and her world.

Holly used to totally gave herself in a relationship. She trusted entirely the other and that way, give the other the possibility of destroying her. But it was before Gail and numerous bad experiences. So now, Holly tackled relationship in a scientific way. It's wasn't all about chemistry but mostly about environment and circumstances. And with Gail came her insecurities and the police environment. Holly couldn't handle that. She will stick to her first decision.

So when Nora called and asked her out, she said yes. Her new girlfriend wanted to surprise her by recreating their first date. At first, Holly thought about the nice French restaurant, a couple of weeks after her breakup with Gail. But now, on the Penny's parking, she realized her mistake.

_Come on, you've no reason to freak out. You've got the right to be here too, this isn't only a bar cop. Plus, even if Gail is in there, it would be the perfect occasion to inform her of your choice. Not a big deal Hol_. She tried to cheer herself up but she felt numb. Something inside of her told her to run survival instinct certainly but she ignored it.

* * *

_Perhaps this evening is not totally fucked up_ Gail thought. After a few drinks and random jokes, Duncan seemed better. To be honest, Gail was almost in a decent mood. She have talked to Steve earlier and he reassured her. He was so persuaded that Holly would come around that he almost convinced her.

"Hey, isn't it the pathologist we saw at the morgue this week?"

She was going to tell Duncan to go home, since he started to hallucinate. But suddenly, her Holly radar turned on. She blinked a few times, tried to formulate a thought. But her brain have stopped functioning. She was frozen, her breath caught in her throat. The bar fades and everything she could see was Holly. _Holding hands_ with that girl. She couldn't feel anything. There wasn't an inch of life in her body. She was full of emptiness.

After seconds which felt like eternity, her body seemed to start functioning again. She felt nauseous and her mouth tasted like iron. She has to get out of here. Have some air or take a walk. Anything to escape this scene. She mumbled something vaguely apologetic to Duncan and left, her eyes burning and a heavy ache in her chest.

Once in the parking lot, she leaned herself against the wall. Her legs couldn't support her. She was slowly collapsing, gasping for air.

* * *

As soon as she passed the threshold, her eyes found Gail. They have this connection, they just _knew_ when the other was here. She wanted to explain herself so she made up something about her phone still in the car.

When she found her, Gail was paler than usual and have an unreadable expression. Something Holy has never saw before. And more worrying, she was sitting on the ground, her back against the wall. Holly touched her arm, just to check on Gail.

"Don't. Touch. Me." It was like waking up a volcano. An impetuous one. Holly could feel the contempt and disgust in Gail's voice. Suddenly, Gail stood up and her whole body seemed tense, as if she contained herself to explode.

"A no wasn't enough? You have to take _her_ in _this_ particular bar. You have to show me how unreachable you are, how great she is for you?" She chuckled, but it was forced and sound dangerous. But Gail doesn't wait for an answer, she turned her back and started to left.

"Wait, GAIL!" She tried to grab Gail's wrist but the blonde was out of reach and was now looking at her, suspiciously. "This wasn't even my idea. I never intended to hurt you, I swear..."

"You know what?" Gail took a step forward and Holly could feel anger emanate from her. "You _never_ had faith in us. Everyone thought that_ I_ was the one threatening this relationship. Even me. But I always thought you were on my side. But it appear that you were also persuaded that I was the one who'd fail. So you never fully engaged yourself. You always kept the control and you let me made all this efforts..." She looked at her straight in the eyes now. Her piercing blue eyes were accusing. "I call myself into question. I tried to be better. For you, but also because it was the way our relationship affected me. It made me grow. But _you_..." The bitterness in Gail's tone was unbearable. With one syllabe, she have just put Holly away from her. "You were scared. Maybe more than me if that was possible. So you never let me in. Not the way I did. I couldn't touch something deep down in you. I was just able to scratch the surface you show in public."

Each word was like a blow. Holly felt herself collapsing, mentally and physically. It was like the end of a boxing game, when one of the player gave the finals blow to put ko the other.

"Everyone thought you'll come around. Because you're the thoughtful one. But in th end, you're just a coward. You was afraid of letting things go. And you even don't have the courage of telling me, you have to... Stab me in the back like that. You're a pathetic control freak". _Boom, KO._

As Gail walked outside the parking lot, she threw a disgusted "Good luck with _that_" to someone behind Holly.

_Just when it couldn't be worse. _


End file.
